So I say that I am going to work on my candour and it turns out that it isn't very hard so far because life is, well, not too exciting, to say the least. We're knee deep in our second semester of first year, which means that (most) of the all nighters and crazy antics have run their course. We got it out of our system early and now we're in a whole new rhythm that is more healthy, but slightly less eventful.
I love it, in a way. I liked the crazy spontaneous nature of first semester, but I think it ended while it was still good, and it needed to. Someone (genius) once told me not to mourn too long over the old seasons that pass, but appreciate what was and look full into the face of what is. I used to chronically look over my shoulder, wishing for a wisp of the past to return, but I missed so much of the good that was happening in the moment. Now I'm trying to be more intentional about noticing the seasons passing and appreciating them for what they are.
If there was a word to describe this season, it would be "grounded." I don't normally label the seasons I go through, but this time "grounded" seems to fit. I'm less hurried these days, less anxious and less analytical. I'm very present, and my stress level is significantly lower, thank goodness. It is suspiciously calm around here. Normally I could pinpoint something that I did to get me to this place of peace and security, but there aren't any obvious tricks or magical answers this time. I do have some theories, though:
1. I made a promise to myself not to procrastinate this semester. I've been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember and exam time last semester was absolutely not enjoyable as a result. I am not ready to repeat that this semester, so this time around I have not procrastinated much at all. It is definitely a better way to live.
2. The reason why not procrastinating is easier this time is because I enjoy what I am studying. This is a sign to me that I am in the right place in school. I switched my program twice, but I've found my niche. Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to find this place any other way. The exploration was the part of the journey that confirmed the destination. I know for sure I'm in the place I should be because I know for sure where I shouldn't be, and that is valuable knowledge.
3. There is something to be said for giving yourself permission to be who you are and to embrace failure along the way. Recently I stumbled across the realization that I so often glance over into other's lives and wish for things I don't have. I started looking at my own life and found that I actually appreciate who I am and where I am right now. It turns out that I wouldn't want anyone else's life and that is very freeing. It allows more room for possibility and, strangely enough, permission to fail. Failure doesn't pinch the same way when you love where you are and who you are becoming. It adds some colour to your story and can be very good and needed if you allow it to be.
So I'm standing now in a place of middle ground. I said before that I felt as though I was running up a vertical learning curve, but I think it plateaued more quickly than I expected. Thank goodness for grounded spaces.